When a Girl You Barely Know Cheats on You

Mercedes

Mercedes was a girl that I went too far in high school with twice. ¹ I’m not proud of it. In all fairness, she initiated it the second time. We were very intimate and I knew so much about her. So you could imagine how I felt that day when I went to the theater alone to see While You Were Sleeping², and saw her… with another male human. “I’m sorry, Mercedes, did our time together mean nothing to you?” I spoke these words with a lover’s rage to the mirror in my bedroom with On Bended Knee³ blaring through my boombox⁴ speakers over the course of the entire weekend.

Who was that guy she was with?⁵ I bet they break up in a week.⁶ Was he a cheap fling? Was his purpose to spark within me a jealousy unlike any in the history of love? Mission accomplished.

I was going to ask her out on a date to McDonald’s or something. I was just waiting for my parents to pay out my allowance.⁷ And after they gave me my allowance, I was waiting to catch her alone at school to pop the question. And then when I caught her alone after school one day, I said, “Hey,” and she said, “Cool shoes⁸.” I froze for what felt like an eternity.⁹ When I awoke from my hypnotic stupor, she was gone.

Why did she torment me like that? Why did she settle for that loser?¹⁰ If she had only given me a little more time¹¹, I would have asked her out. What she didn’t know was that I had asked her out a million times in my heart and we’ve been on no less than 100 million dates in my mind. I loved her until that day at the theater. I caught her cheating on my fantasies with another man.

I went home and soaked my pillow with my tears. Then I soaked another – this time with a can of Coke that I accidentally knocked over. I never knew pain like that before.¹²

You’re Not Alone in Being Alone

You might find yourself in a similar position today and want to know what to do. Well, the Gurouth (which is me, the Guru of Youth) is here to help you. Maybe you’re reading my story and saying to yourself, “He can’t even help himself.” Well, that’s really shortsighted of you. Has it ever occurred to you that maybe…just maybe you might learn from my mistakes? I never claimed to be flawless, only incredibly wise. For every gray hair I have grown, a woman broke my heart. But pardon my pontification, I digress.

Listen, you need to get that person to notice you. Check out my article on using dodgeball to win that person’s heart. You’ll learn how to dodge a ball but they won’t be able to dodge you anymore. If you don’t want to put yourself out there like that, I have an alternative solution that I find to be incredibly healthy. I call it oversaturation.

Try to commit every thought to this person so that you grow tired of them. You’ll then see this person in school and go up to him and say, “Not you again” and then walk off. Another way to grow sick of the person is to spend hours poring over their Facebook and Instagram photos. Read every comment they’ve ever written to get a clue about their desires. Try writing that person’s name in your notebook in different calligraphic ways. Write a song about this person or listen to a song that reminds you of this person over and over again. Find out where they live, hide in the bushes across the street in hopes that this person steps outside to get the mail, throw out the garbage, or walk the dog. The point here is that you will eventually grow sick of this person. Too much of a good thing will eventually cause you to grow tired.¹³

Being cheated on is not fun, even if you haven’t physically gone on a date with that person yet or they barely know who you are. I know what you’re thinking. You’re going to devote your life to prove to that person, who will eventually forget you, how they let a good one get away. That’s the spirit. There are fewer higher callings than that. I’m sure Mercedes will one day stumble upon my blog posts and weep with regret.

Glean from my wisdom,

Diego Manifisto

Diego’s Notes

For context on what I mean when I say “went too far with” and “intimate”: Besides casual greetings at school and church, we had two separate 15-minute conversations. I wish she had never given that to me. Mercedes poured out her heart when she told me how much she loved watching Beverly Hills 90210 and which teacher in school she hated. She even told me that she picked off all of the pepperoni slices from her pizza and saved them for last. She revealed those delicate details to me! ↩︎
While You Were Sleeping is the Greatest Rom-Com of all time. It includes Sandra Bullock in her prime, Chicago, the CTA, and Christmas. When I wasn’t creating elaborate fantasies of me marrying Mercedes and having a big family, I would create elaborate fantasies of me marrying Sandra Bullock and having a big family. ↩︎
On Bended Knee was a hit track by the 90s phenomenon Boyz II Men. That song had every single teenage boy of that day in their feelings. I owned the song on CD. You wouldn’t believe how many playbacks you can get on a CD before it wears out. ↩︎
Imagine the speakers on your phone but the size of two large pancakes attached to a heavy metal box with a slot for cassettes and one for CDs. It usually included a button labeled “bass boost” that when pressed did pretty much nothing without decent subwoofers. There was a handle that made it easy to carry if you weren’t too embarrassed to walk around with it. ↩︎
Boyfriend. I found out a few minutes ago when I looked her up on Instagram. ↩︎
I found her on Facebook too. I guess they’re married now. Whatever. ↩︎
I received $10 a week, enough for two Extra Value Meals at McDonald’s in the mid-90s. ↩︎
I was wearing a designer brand, no longer in production, called Pro-Wings from Payless. ↩︎
45 seconds to be exact ↩︎
He was captain of the football team, salutatorian, and now makes almost 7 figures ↩︎
No less than several weeks or possibly months. ↩︎
I did, however, know that pain many times after that. ↩︎
Once you’re married, you have to psych yourself out the other way by saying you can’t get enough of that person. But you’re not at that stage yet (nor am I) so don’t worry about that. ↩︎

Robriv Fiction