Robriv Fiction

[feel free to skip this nonsense]

Breaking up with someone is never easy, but doing it with honesty and kindness is essential. Choose a private, calm setting where you can talk openly. Be direct yet compassionate—express your feelings clearly without blaming or criticizing. Use “I” statements to explain your decision, such as “I feel like we’ve grown apart.” Allow them space to process and express their emotions. Stay firm but empathetic, avoiding mixed signals. If possible, offer closure and reassurance, but don’t prolong the conversation unnecessarily. Afterward, give each other time to heal by maintaining boundaries and limiting contact, allowing both of you to move forward.

Blah, blah, [I am a robot]. Thank you for your impractical wisdom, from your artificial brain. If the above statement is all you need, fine. You can listen to the advice of AI and further destroy our environment and way of life. But if you want real life experience, you can listen to me. I’ve been through some stuff. Well, I’ve never been dumped. But I have, at times, been the dumper. This is a critical distinction. Nobody wants to get dumped so preemptive dumping will keep you from ever feeling the sting of rejection (or so, I’ve been told it stings… by the people I’ve dumped). And before you stick your nose up at me, search your heart: you want me to elaborate. I mean, who else would you turn to? The guy who married his grade school sweetheart? What does he know about breaking up? The woman at your church that’s been married for 28 years? She’s from the 1900s for crying out loud! Me, on the other hand; I’m timeless. So let’s get into the 5 ways to break up with that special someone.

#5. Send a Friend

Remember when your friend helped you connect with that special someone? Well, if they got you into this mess, they can get you out. If they are usually indirect, you can help by spying on your special someone and figuring out when they go to Chick-fil-A. Your friend can then sneak into the Chick-fil-A locker room, BORROW a uniform, slap on a fake mustache or put on a wig (or both) and hover around until their drink is nearly empty. Your friend then offers to get a refill. Your friend returns, handing your special someone a drink and a slip of paper that reads: “It’s over” signed by you. When your special someone looks up horrified, your friend rips off the mustache or wig (or both), says “My pleasure,” slams the hairy disguise on the desk, and storms out.

If this is too elaborate, your friend can simply show up at the grocery store at the same time as your special someone (after stalking for a few days and learning the patterns of your significant other). Your friend can pop out of the produce section and approach your significant other with something in hand. Your friend can ask, “What are these called?” When your special someone points to the label and says, “dates,” your friend hands them over and says, “these are the only dates you’ll have for a while,” and explains that it’s over between you two. Easy, right? Wrong. Your friend may return with this message, “Your special someone says that they will never believe it unless it comes from your mouth.” You sigh. 

#4. Call/ Text and Block

Sending a friend might feel cold although nothing says “I don’t care about you” more than sending a messenger to break off the relationship. However, this isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. I get it. You might be tempted to go out for sushi for closure but I promise that you’ll turn that relationship from a stand alone movie to an unprofitable franchise that nobody wanted or asked for. The solution then is simple. Call your special someone. No, not during the day or evening. Strategize the call. If you know when they shower, call at that time. If their phone is on “do not disturb” at night, call at 3:27 A.M. Leave a voice message. Keep it terse. Here’s a suggested script. “Hi it’s me. I mean, there is no us. Not anymore. Not ever. Please don’t call back.” If you don’t have time for this, you can also text that message. Whatever you do, don’t get into a conversation. It’s a trap and you’ll be back at square one in no time. 

#3. Change your number

Why not just block your special someone’s number, right? Because you’re a rookie. You’ll be at work, excited that you have no commitments for the weekend when your phone rings with an unfamiliar number. At first, you want to ignore it, like a normal person. But then you wonder if this is a publisher calling about your recent novel submission, so you answer it. It’s not a publisher. It’s your special someone. The silly part is that your special someone isn’t calling to plead a case for restoration. Rather, it’s an unsolicited critique of you as a partner and a person. Ha! Two can play this game, you think. Before you know it, you’re arguing daily until you apologize and get back together. Eventually, you’ll be married and changing your number will change nothing. 

#2. Change your Address

Your special someone might be relentless. Maybe your special someone can’t be stopped by options 5-3. No worries. I know other fun tricks. Here’s the plan: Your special someone heads out, far into the suburbs to meet you for dinner, where you will make amends. Psych! That’s what you say but your special someone will arrive at the restaurant and sit at the table and wait. With a new number, your special someone won’t be able to reach out to you. However, time is running out. 

While your special someone heads out to the burbs, you and your buddies pack up your home into the moving truck. You drive two states over and begin looking for a job. Sure, you have to live on Maruchan for a few-to-six months while you’re trying to pay rent with your part-time Dollar Tree cashier position until you get a full-time gig but the good news is that you’re completely free. Mainly because you don’t have any local friends and don’t know the area well enough. But you also don’t have that special someone sucking the life out of your precious hours. Still, your friends are weak. They let it slip where you live and eventually your special someone moves into the house across the street until you lose your job and are forced to move in with your special someone. Bad.  

#1. Fake Your Death

So, there’s only one fail-safe way to break up with that special someone. Your friend rolls up to your special someone’s home and says they’ve been cordially invited to your wake. It’s only a memorial service because your body was never recovered. 

Change your number. Change your address. Change your name. Cut ties with your family. Make sure you use this story down to the detail:

You were selected to be a part of a secret civilian flight to the moon. The craft landed and the science world seems you a hero but this information is kept classified in Area 51. All of the scientists and astronauts agree that this is a big loss for your special someone and they will never find anybody of that caliber ever again. Your special someone will know that you died on the moon when you risked your life to save the life of Malala (who was also on the mission) for the greater good of the world.

Now, show up at the wake, in a trench coat and with glasses and fake facial hair (or the exact opposite if necessary) to remain inconspicuous and observe your special someone to make sure that grieving is taking place. If grief is emoted then everything is well. Walk away from your life forever and spy on that special someone from afar, at your own pace. But if not a single tear is shed, you rip off the costume and confront your special someone. You say, “Are you from the planet Arrakis that not even one single tear could be spared?” You point at the crusty dry eyes. “This is why I had to die! I changed my number, I moved, and embraced a new identity. Why? To break up with you. And why even show up? Hold up! You’re holding somebody else’s hand?”

You special someone giggles. “Oh yeah. I wanted to pay my respects but since you died, it’s also a relief to make one of my side pieces my special someone. That’s a lot of guilt off of my shoulders.”

“Side pieces?” You gasp.

“Yeah,” says your special someone. “You know, my snack job, my D.L. lover, my–”

“I get it.”

Luckily you’re able to keep your name and move into a new place. You can pick up where you left. But unfortunately, someone already snatched your internet domain name. Snack Job bought your domain name and will sell it back to you at 10 times the price he bought it for. You empty your bank account to reclaim it in an effort to move on with your life. You see no reason as to why it’s a problem that you’re now a tenant of your ex-special someone.

As always, 

Glean from my wisdom,

Diego Manifisto