Fasting with Sméagol Energy

When we meet the creature Gollum in the Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, he is gaunt, malnourished, and starving for the One Ring that once captured his mind and subjugated his will. He had traded one tortured existence for another. But he loved the ring more than he loved himself. I would love that same energy-seeking God. To my shame, like Gollum, I often put that energy elsewhere.

Several years ago, my church first announced (what would become an annual spiritual practice) a 21-day fast to bring in the new year. I thought, “It’s going to be tough to live on nothing but water for 21 days but I’ll try my best.” Was I disciplined enough for this? Unsure. I never found out because that was not the proposed fast.

In fact, in the third week of the fast, we were restricted to a fruit-and-veggie-only diet. While not as difficult as restricting myself to water only, the absence of meat still seemed like a challenge. Week two of the fast was designated to liquids only. This sounded a bit harder but still easier than trying to survive on nothing but water and eating my fingernails (would that be cheating?). Week one was a media fast. 

Great, the food portion would kick in week two— Hold up? Week one was a what? Media? As in social media? As in ESPN radio on the drive home? As in the rabbit hole of YouTube? As in watching sports, shows, and movies? I felt little the pellets of sweat on my brow and checked for the blood that Jesus experienced in the Garden of Gethsemane. 

Dramatic? Very. This is why I needed this fast. In fact, after the first week, I decided to abstain from watching shows and movies for the remainder of the fast. This practice is not a suggestion “if you fast” but rather an assumption that every devoted follower of Christ would incorporate this spiritual discipline into their lives. Look at Jesus’ words.

“And when you fast, do not look gloomy like the hypocrites, for they disfigure their faces that their fasting may be seen by others.” - Matthew 6:16

In other words, don’t look like Sméagol, who probably fasted from food against his will. He was gloomy and his face was disfigured (a real killjoy at parties, I would imagine). The ring demanded his attention above food and self-care. Is that what you want to look like? Gollum? Me neither. But it’s how I felt on the inside. At least at first. I don’t say this to brag about the fast. In fact, while I’ve abstained from everything I wanted to abstain from, I’ve struggled mightily in other ways.

Here’s my first confession. I’m addicted to entertainment. I’m quick to watch a movie or show with my honey at night or stream something in the background during chores. I work hard to catch up on shows and a multi-episode binge is fun from time to time. For instance, Michelle and I watched Stranger Things Season 3 in one sitting. I’m not necessarily condemning that. Rather, I’d rather go beyond any type of legalistic framework one might be tempted to chain me down with. I want to examine my heart. At the end of the day, the Pharisees nailed the practice but failed within. And to be blatantly honest, examining my heart is difficult when I’m watching a show every night till I pass out. 

This is why I need this fast. 

Confession, number two. I have not used a lot of my extra time to dig deeper into the Word of God and pray. I have excuses - none that are valid. The beginning of the year is a busy part of the semester at the college where I work. The days are longer. I bring work home with me. The nights are late and the mornings follow suit. It’s a hustle. In some ways, I wish the fast was later in the semester. Then again, nothing is preventing me from repeating this fast later. There are seasons when I struggle to make private time with God. Perhaps even the crumbs from the Bread of Life during a time like this can provide some sustenance. 

This why I need the fast. 

With my final confession, I feel like “Weird Al” Yankovic in his Usher parody, 

“These are my confessions

Just when I thought I said all I could say I came up with more secrets to tell you today

These are my confessions

Slip my mind the last two times

Silly me, so now I gotta give you part three of my confessions”

I’m not sure if I’ve canceled my fast with the scarcity of spiritual devotion. The purpose of the fast was to seek God out in the new year and set the tone with my eyes on the Throne. So what was the point of what I had done? I do not believe my fast, though imperfect, was entirely wasted. In fact, I believe that not every spiritual benefit was forfeited. 

This fast has become a detoxing of my mind. The amount of media I would normally consume has now been replaced by reading, writing, and meditation. I feel the freedom of not rushing to catch up on a show or consume as much content before my streaming subscription expires. And then it hit me. Fasting is freedom. What felt constricting at first then became the reality that neither food nor meat nor entertainment is making demands of me. 

Back to Sméagol. There is a scene where he confronts his alter-ego Gollum (a personality that seems to have been produced by his communion with the ring) and finally commands him to “go away and never come back.” The creative portrayal of his debate with himself is meant to induce pity in our hearts for his tortured soul. Upon realizing the success of his resistance, no longer haunted by this controlling invasive persona, he exclaims, “Sméagol’s free!” That scene is one of the most joyous moments of the trilogy. What I find fascinating is that this only happened apart from possessing the ring.

I’ve learned that I don’t have to be perfect when I’m fasting. A graceless, legalistic approach will most likely end in a discouraging defeat. Rather, like any other spiritual discipline, I have room to grow. It occurred to me that I can’t manipulate spiritual blessings from a fast. For instance, you cannot schedule quality time. Rather quality time will come from quantity time. The spiritual blessing will come when fasting becomes a habitual spiritual discipline rather than an annual ritual.

Perhaps you can relate to me. If you read this and roll your eyes, God bless you. You’ve arrived at a place I hope to be at one day. But if you’re like me, hang in there. Keep up the discipline as best you can. If you fall, get back up. Every day is a new day. Keep pursuing God. Ultimately, like Sméagol, you’ll begin to see the chains of your addictions to food, technology, or pleasure diminish. Imagine standing face up to the Father, filled with gratitude, and sincerely proclaiming, “I’m free!”