How to Ask a Cute Girl to Dance with You
The Gurouth
A Diego Manifisto Gem
Everyone has their own definition of cute. So let's just get this out of the way. What caught my attention was a little mustached Mexican girl named María Guadalupe. Okay, it was not a full-blown mustache like her father's but more like a deep-black shadowy fuzz. Regardless, I was willing to overlook it since it wasn't a permanent part of her face - meaning she could shave or wax it off in the future and I could live with the 5 o'clock shadow. For the time being, I would crush on a girl with a fuller mustache than mine. Oh, and she also had elf ears but that was no big deal to me. Like I said, we all have our own definition of cute. This is a judgment-free zone, right? So this is how to ask a subjectively cute girl to dance with you.
I was at my seventh grade Valentines Day Dance and every other song was a slow dance. This was a problem considering I have two left feet so I'm no good with upbeat music. I'm also no good with slow music. But after the fifth slow jam, I felt like a loser as I watched everybody else dancing from my front row seat at my empty table sipping 4 gallons of punch.
It was almost two o'clock... in the afternoon. Our dances were during school hours. I knew that the Valentine's Day Dance would end at two-fifteen. Time was running out and I had my laser sight fixed on that fuzzy-lipped Latina. I used my flawless three-point technique to reel her in. If you don’t want to dance with the girl of your dreams, ignore the rest of this story. If you all you want to do is win like DJ Khaled, here’s how to do it:
Number 1. Wait for the Very Last Song
Anybody can annoy a girl into dancing with them by wearing them down for two hours with begging and pleading. Not you. You want to live the most epic life possible and live it NOW.
When I step into the batter's box, in the bottom of the ninth, bases loaded, down three, full count, two outs, I'm not thinking "base hit." I'm thinking "home-run." That’s never actually happened to me, but if it did, that’s what I’d be thinking. This is my version of going all in. It's now or never, baby. One song for all the marbles. In my mind, she says “Dance with you? Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes!”
Number 2. Sniff Your Armpits
This should technically be number 1 but I needed to set up the intensity of the moment first. Listen, don’t make her wonder if you’re hiding old cheese in your armpits. Sniff the pits!
Don’t make this look obvious. Look both ways like you’re crossing the street. Pull out your shirt by the collar and stick your nose in. If it only smells faintly like onions or better - proceed. If she’s six inches taller than you, like most of the girls in my class were to me, this number is irrelevant. By the time your odor rises to her nasal altitude, the song will be over.
Number 3. Rehearse and execute your two lines
Yes, you read that right. If you can’t sweep her off her feet with two lines then sit back down. Nobody likes a bumbling fool. Refrain from using the following words as fillers: Um, uh, like, and, etc.
Line number one is the setup and line number two is the knockout punch. Adding more words leads to a higher probability of babbling. I know what you’d like to know: What do I say to her? Thankfully I’m an expert and can help with this. Here are some suggestions:
“I noticed you looking for me. I’m right here, baby and ready to dance.”
“I saved the last dance for you. I want you to be the last thing on my mind.”
“I’ve never danced with an angel before. Take me to heaven.”
The one I personally used was a little more practical than those. Feel free to draft your own personalized lines. Just memorize them and execute them flawlessly and confidently.
I weaved my way through the sea of hormones and saw her standing all alone with a cup of punch in her hand. The sun provided a natural spotlight through the window and her glistening mustache reminded me that she was going through puberty and transforming into a woman right before my very eyes. We made eye contact and then she looked away as if she didn’t see me. Playing hard to get, I’m sure. I cornered her like a wild possum and said, “Hey María Guadalupe. Would you like to dance?”
Her response was heartbreaking for me. “I can’t. My friend asked me to hold her punch.”
I was floored. I assumed the punch in her hand was her own. Instead, it served as a shackle fastened by her own friend preventing her happiness. Her grief was undoubtedly too much to bear and she quickly sped away. Did I fail? Under normal circumstances, I’d say yes but one cannot account for such wrenches to be hurled into the works. Remove the shackles and today I’d be joined in matrimony with a woman that would share my razor blade.
Use the 3-point technique today and win the heart of your María Guadalupe. I’d love to hear your success stories. I think I need to add one last disclaimer to this post: Be careful. You might fall in love tonight.
Glean from my wisdom,
Diego Manifisto
