How Not to Smell like Onions on Gym Day
The Gurouth
A Diego Manifisto Gem
There are many paradoxes in this world. One of them is this:
I love the smell of onions but I don’t like to smell like onions.
I’ll let that sink in for a bit. Chances are, you feel the same way as me. Even if you don’t feel the same as me, it’s probably because
you don’t like the smell of onions. If you like to smell like onions, this post isn’t for you. None of my posts are. In fact, I never want to meet you[1] because while I like the smell of onions, I don’t like when people smell like onions. But here’s the sad truth, some of us used to smell like onions. Not me, but some[2] of us have.
There are many paradoxes in this world. One of them is this:
I love the smell of onions but I don’t like to smell like onions.
I’ll let that sink in for a bit. Chances are, you feel the same way as me. Even if you don’t feel the same as me, it’s probably because you don’t like the smell of onions. If you like to smell like onions, this post isn’t for you. None of my posts are. In fact, I never want to meet you[1] because while I like the smell of onions, I don’t like when people smell like onions. But here’s the sad truth, some of us used to smell like onions. Not me, but some[2] of us have.
This usually takes place in Junior High or Middle School or whatever the kids are calling it these days. If you have a friend[3] that suffers from onion-itis, this post is for you.
The Scenario
Middle School and High School is already a living hell without provoking it further. You’ve already died a thousand deaths when the kids discovered your Superman frames, you’ve been rejected by that special someone that you barely know, or just accept the fact that Cupid hates you[4]. You’re barely hanging on to the little dignity you have left when lo and behold you smell something. At first, you can’t pinpoint what the smell is until…wait, you smell….onions. Yes! onions. But there is no food in sight. At first, you can’t decipher the source. Is it coming from Pugly, the infamously gross kid in your class? Yes, it must be. As he walks away, the potency of the pungency is unaffected. You are standing alone and come to the dreadful conclusion that the emission of that sweaty onion aroma is originating in your shirt. Oh, the horror of it all. You are minutes away from the beginning of gym class and you have “onion pits.” That’s like sitting in a sauna with peeled onions all around you. If you were an adult, the solution would be easy: sneak out of work and get to a Walgreens ASAP and purchase deodorant. But you’re not an adult. You’re a survivor of the living hell previously mentioned. Well, you’ve survived thus far. Will you survive this latest nightmare? No[5].
Fear not for I, Diego Manifisto, the Gurouth of Gurouths[6], the savior of teenage dignity, and the onion pit stopper, am here to help you reclaim your dignity despite your fashion crimes and constant rejection. Gym class will not be the place where are conquered but the place that you conquer. But first, we’ve gotta work on those pits.
Diego Manifisto’s 3-Step Process
Don’t worry, I’ve got your back...way back until you get that smell under control. Here is my stink-proof 3-step process that will help you overcome your armpits’[7] hot breath.
Step 1: Don’t Raise Your Arms
I know this is problematic in gym class. It’s hard to do jumping jacks with your elbows pinned to your ribs but you don’t need to release that beast and then fan it into the atmosphere. The last thing you want to do is create a cloud of smog in the gym, give other students lung cancer from the second-hand smog, or even disintegrate the ozone layer.
I have given you all the tools to be successful in dodgeball but do not seek that success at the cost of the safety of those around you. One drop of onion-soaked sweat could burn a hole through most public school gym floors. If a ball is thrown at your face, dodge it. If need be, let it be smashed against your face. Better a black eye than a black lung.
And what more shall I say? For time would fail me to speak about kickball, tumbling, floor hockey, and other sports. Whatever you do, don’t raise your arms.
If worse comes to worst, fake an injury to avoid participation. Sound unethical? Would you rather step into the pool in gym class and resemble a squid as dark clouds release from your underarms like smoke from a chemical factory on fire? Exactly. A fake injury it is.
If you cannot successfully keep your arms pinned down or sit out of class, you may need to proceed to Step 2.
Step 2: Douse Your Pits
If you’re allowed a hall pass to leave gym class, great. Unlikely, but great. Your best bet is taking care of the situation before you even walk into the class. There’s only one thing to do. Douse your pits. With what? You ask. One way is to cup your hands and filled them with water. Then quickly move them under your shirt so that you don’t spill too much of the water and smash it into your underarm. If taking off your shirt is an option, you can just lean over the sink and splash water up into your pits as it pouring from the faucet.
Your shirt will most like be soaked under the arms so you’ll need to splash water against your face and pretend you’re sweating from a pre-class workout. That should impress some people. But believe it or not, splashing water may not enough. If slashing water only accomplished a soupy swamp swimming with your sweat, then you may need to move on to Step 3.
Step 3: Mask the Smell
If you have made it to this step, you are in desperation mode. No matter what you do, you realize that if you became a fugitive of the law, the hounds would be able to track you for hundreds of miles[8]. Now, please use what I’m about to share with you responsibly. I’m not teaching you how to evade the U.S. Marshals[9].
Steps 1 and 2 were designed to help you survive the day and get home without causing people’s eyes to tear up. This step is taking a more extreme approach. I’m going to ask you to improvise because you obviously aren’t carrying deodorant with you[10]. Find something with an aroma that pleases you and smother it in your pits. You say you don’t have anything? I say this why you need to improvise[11].
What’s for lunch? Peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Smother one pit with PB and the other with J. Problem solved.
Do you carry sore throat spray? Well, you know what to do.
Hey, that spearmint gum can go a long way. Thoroughly rub it in those hairs or stubble. For maximum impact, chew it for a minute and stick it in there.
Use your school lunch. Smear the gravy from the meatloaf or smash your tater tots.
Sound gross? Would you rather smell like onions? The choice is yours. If you don’t like my steps, here’s a guaranteed way to prevent this tomorrow.
How to Prevent this Tomorrow
Bathe. Use deodorant.
If you’re struggling through those difficult teen years and need navigational help, you’ll have someone better than a mentor in your corner. You have the G.O.A.T.[12]
Glean from my wisdom,
Diego Manifisto
Enlightened Gurouth
FOOTNOTES
I was told that I’m not allowed to say that I never want to meet you because I could lose “subscribers” so I’ll say that I never want to meet you in person.
Robert asked me not to use his name in this post
That’s code for “you”
And this is all before lunchtime!
Yes. I’m just being dramatic here.
I’m pretty sure I’m the one and only Gurouth
If the smell is originating from any other part of your body, please consult your parents. I won’t be addressing that...like ever.
If they don’t faint before that
To learn how to evade the U.S. Marshals, please watch “The Fugitive” or its sequel/spin-off “U.S. Marshals”
Please double-check your backpack to make sure you don’t have deodorant with you. If you do, put it on and the crisis will be averted. I don’t know how many times I’ve called AppleCare with the same problem: My Macbook won’t turn on. They say, “Is it plugged in?” I say, “no.” They say, “Does it need to be charged?” I plug it in and realize that the battery was at less than 1%. They say, “Mr. Manifisto, before you call us again, can you please verify that you’ve charged your machine?” My charger is your deodorant. Double check. Triple check. If you have it and put it on. Double sniff your pits. Then triple sniff. Repeat until the onions smell like lavender whatever or cool mountain blah blah blah.
These options may be unsanitary and lead to greater problems than bad odor. I still think the risk is worth it.
Gurouth of All Teenagers
