Surviving the Pandemic: How to Facebook Flex
Pandemic Shepherd
A Diego Manifisto Gem
Well, I’m back. As Covid cases are back on the rise, I decided to disrobe my pandemic-appropriate face to help you navigate your way on Facebook.
Have you recently been on social media only to see people behaving irrationally during the Pandemic but you’re not sure how to set them straight? Well, I'm going to show you how to flex (as the kids would say) and shame the unenlightened on Facebook. Pretty soon you'll be able to humblebrag your way to superiority.
It doesn't matter where you stand on how America is dealing with the Pandemic, I've got you covered. It’s hard to get people to hear you when you speak clearly and directly so here are some ways to get your aggressive points out passively. And here’s the good news: You can do it all on Facebook!
FACEBOOK FLEX
There’s no better way to change somebody’s heart and opinions than to flex on Facebook. Every single post can be a way to challenge the thoughts of others. If you post a picture of your kids watching television, others will say, “Wow, I should let my kids watch tv more.” If you take a high-resolution photo of your first cheat meal this week (a burger with cheese oozing from its toasted buns - technically it was your fifth cheat meal but the first four were never posted and therefore never happened), somebody will see it and think, “I really do need to eat more unhealthily.” I bet millions of people are converted to Christianity each year when somebody reposts, “Jesus Loves You. I bet 4 Million people won’t repost this.” Challenge accepted. I did my part, now only 3,999,999 people more. Imagine the impact that our boldness will produce.
Facebook flexes are the ultimate humblebrag. Here’s how to use it during the Pandemic.
POST PICS WEARING A MASK
This is easier said than done. If your phone is locked and you’re wearing a mask, the Face ID will not recognize you and you’ll have to unlock your phone the old fashioned way - using a password. I didn’t buy a $1,200 phone only to have to remember my password! But I digress.
Post a “masky” picture of you doing basic things like walking in the park, buying toilet paper, selfie in a car with another masked friend somewhere in the background waving. The more masked pics posted, the more people will start to say, “Ah what a beautiful day. I love this fresh air… wait, what am I doing? I need a mask!”
Posting masked pics is not enough. Make sure you include that humblebrag. Say something like, “I’m just trying to save lives” or “Doing my part.” If that doesn’t cut straight to the heart and cause a change in society, I don’t know what will.
If you don’t have a pic to document the event (grocery shopping or talking to a neighbor about gas prices) be sure that your text post clarifies that you wore masks and practiced social distancing.
POST PICS WITHOUT A MASK
You’re skeptical and you should be. You haven’t caught the virus binge-watching the Tiger King or doing groceries (even though they force you to wear a stupid mask). A friend even came over and still no virus. It’s not enough that you think our government (and every other government on planet Earth) is blowing this out of proportion; you need to let Facebook know how you feel. As you should. How else are you going to change people’s opinions?
You post pics of yourself without a mask on your couch, with other people that don’t live with you on your couch, hugging other maskless people, standing less than six feet away from someone else. You think, what would Indiana Jones do? Would Indian Jones wear a mask? Pshh.
You don’t need to caption your picture with phrases like “I don’t live in fear” or “I am not a slave” or “I will not be put under house arrest” because we read you loud and clear. I can just imagine hundreds of your Facebook friends simultaneously ripping off their masks when they see your posts, mumbling to themselves, “I was wrong. This whole time, I was wrong.”
If you have no pic, simply post something like, “It was good to see my best friend today” and make no mention of masks or social distancing to keep your FB friends up at night.
POST MEMES
Memes are great because you technically didn’t make them. And even if you did, you can always claim it was tongue-in-cheek. Nevertheless, memes can be more powerful than Thanos’ Infinity Gauntlet (Kudos to Thanos for wiping out half of life in the galaxy AND practicing social distancing at the same time).
Post a meme about how to properly wear a mask to show the world that you know better and to highlight their ignorance.
Post a meme about how wearing a mask is like owning a gun. That’s double humblebrag points for saying that you don’t need to wear a mask but you do need to own a gun… I personally don’t see the relationship between them or the consistency in the argument on either side but I’ll still give you double points.
FLEX YOUR MUSCLES
Nothing is more effective than posting workout videos, posting running routes and times, and Apple Watch fitness stats. It says, “Hey look, I just burned 13,895 calories. What did you do today?” I bet that mother that works a job and now homeschools her child and cooks for the entire family looks at that post and says, “I’m not good enough.”
You win!
Even if you aren’t productive, you can post a meme about how if you don’t write the next New York Times Best Selling novel, learn a couple of instruments, read a few books weekly, or learn nun-chuck skills, you’ve wasted the time that the pandemic gave you. How would John Piper feel about that?
That person struggling from loneliness will only sink deeper into despair. But you look like a rockstar without saying it (and without doing any of those things in the meme).
You win!
WEIRD FLEXES ARE OK
People think you can only humblebrag one way. Nope. You can pretty much flex about anything. This is what the youngsters these days are calling “Weird Flex but Ok.” Here’s how it works:
You say something like, “My grocery bills have quadrupled in the Pandemic” accompanied by a picture of a pantry full of instant Ramen noodles, Chunky soups, and Oreo cookies.
Weird flex but ok.
“I haven’t left my house once since February.”
Weird flex but ok.
“I ate three bags of Cheetos in the closet while my kids watched the Simpsons and they never suspected a thing.”
Weird flex but ok.
“I wear my mask in the shower.”
Weird flex but ok. (Side note: I don’t need to know everywhere you wear that mask. In fact, I don’t want to know.)
CONCLUSION
I had so much more to say but the powers-that-be are holding me back. I’ll leave you with these closing thoughts:
Every post on Facebook is some sort of flex.
Memes save lives.
Let’s change the world one flex at a time.
Here's one of my favorite classic flexes from several months back: “Am I the only person that hasn’t seen the Tiger King? I have no interest in it.” I never know if I should like that, share that, or comment something like, “Are you trying to get me to convince you to see it or are you trying to convince me not to see it?” Or should I simply be proud of you? Fine. Bravo. You did it… or didn’t do it. Whatever it is that you did or did not do, your humblebrag Facebook flex is duly noted.
So what are you waiting for? Go and Facebook Flex your little heart out.
Glean from my wisdom,
Diego Manifisto
Pandemic Shepherd
