Surviving the Pandemic: 5 Survival Tips from Moses
Pandemic Shepherd
A Diego Manifisto Gem
I recently received an email inquiring about my thoughts on the pandemic. I instantly hit reply and almost sent a response that read, “What pandemic?” Instead, I decided to turn off my Netflix and get on social media (I guess the news outlets would have been just as reliable) and I finally understood why I’ve succumbed to using reusable rags on my tush and why Instacart keeps offering alternatives to Target’s hot salsa. There’s a pandemic going on. I had previously assumed the rapture had taken place when the church was closed on Sunday (put the Gram away) so I binge-watched as much as I could before the government would force me to bear the mark of the beast or lose my head as a martyr, but I digress.
I don’t know how long the pandemic will last or when Chicago will reopen (other places have apparently already reopened) but here are 5 lessons from Moses we can learn in surviving the pandemic’s home stretch.
I’ve always loved Moses. He was that cool guy that carried a tablet and Facetimed directly with God. So I quickly dove deep into the Pentateuch (mainly just Exodus) to find out how I should be treating the pandemic.
Stay-At-Home: Your Life Depends on It
As I already noted, the stay-at-home order may not last for much longer. However, the stay-at-home order is nothing new. The moment I had finished my comprehensive look into Moses’ life, I rushed to my freezer, thawed out my frozen gyros kit, and then smeared the gyros all over my door frame (Tzatziki sauce and all). I then locked my door and peeked out the blinds at the hordes of people strolling through the park. When this is all over, I will emerge all the safer as the pandemic passes over my apartment.
Thou Shall Not Hoard
Before Moses presented God’s posts from his tablet, he communicated some other community guidelines that concerned hoarding. When God provided the manna, he commanded the people not to take more than a daily allowance until the sixth day when they stocked up for the Sabbath. In other words, I want my toilet paper and Target salsa. Stop hoarding! Buy one pack and when you run out, buy another. May your toilet paper be bloated with maggots and the hot salsa taste mild to your palate. Take only what you need. Be like Moses.
Quarantine Hair; Don’t Care
Why are so many people up in arms about not being able to see their barbers? Even worse, why are people meeting their barbers in dark allies to get lined up? I mean, I almost met up with a guy called Lechon that would have given me a clean-cut akin to Robi Rob from C+C Music Factory. The book of Exodus changed my mind. Actually, it was the movies The Ten Commandments and The Prince of Egypt (and also a quick Google images search). My dude Moses had a wicked beard (I’m sure all of those depictions are accurate. How could they ALL be wrong?). Long hair is okay. Facial hair is fine (I’m speaking to the ladies as well). You don’t NEED your eyebrows done ladies (and Dominican and Borica fellas). Let it grow. Be like Moses.
Mount Social Distance
Wanna know the greatest epidemic Moses faced? Complaining. Have you ever experienced a nagging child asking when dinner will be ready or are we there yet? Well, imagine a few million kids in unison chanting “Are we there yet?” or “What’s for dinner?” or “I’m thirsty.” I know that escaping the whining crowd wasn’t the reason Moses retreated up Mount Sinai but it was a bonus.
During his time with God, Moses was immune to the contagious complaints and the disease of discontentment. What takeaway did I get from this? Social distance and social media distance (no matter how amazing the memes have been). Be Like Moses.
Wear a Mask
Finally, why wear a mask? Because Moses wore one. He came down to the people after spending time up in Mount Sinai and he had to glow up (as the kids say) and the shine on his face was too bright. To save lives (or at least retinas) he wore a mask (or a veil as the original
Hebrew calls it). I could also make an argument that wearing a mask might be an improvement to some people but I won’t’ because that’s mean. Be like Moses.
Finally, why wear a mask? Because Moses wore one. He came down to the people after spending time up in Mount Sinai and he had to glow up (as the kids say) and the shine on his face was too bright. To save lives (or at least retinas) he wore a mask (or a veil as the original Hebrew calls it). I could also make an argument that wearing a mask might be an improvement to some people but I won’t’ because that’s mean. Be like Moses.
Conclusion
Hey, I’m no biblical scholar but I think my biblical application here is airtight. Even if it’s not (which I think it is), I think we can all agree that a pandemic brings about many unforeseen hardships. Let’s do our best to stay strong in the home stretch. Moses isn’t asking anything of us that he would not do himself. I’ll leave you with this poem that I penned with no inspiration (actually sing to the tune of “Like Mike… If I Could be Like Mike”):
Sometimes I read Deuteronomy
Exegete the guy I dream to be
I dream I’m lit, the Red Sea I split
Like Mo(ses), if I could be like Mo(ses)
The earth swallows whole, all of my foes
The staffs I’d make would eat all other snakes
Eat heaven’s bread, Nile becomes red
Like Mo(ses), if I could be like Mo(ses)
Glean from my wisdom,
Diego Manifisto
Pandemic Shepherd
