How to Impress Your Crush: Dodgeball Edition
The Gurouth
A Diego Manifisto Gem
Are you struggling to win the attention of your crush? Are you wondering if your crush even knows your name? Are you struggling to stand out in the sea of middle school clones? You and five other youth have the same exact pair of gym shoes. You and 23 other youth are humming the same songs. You and half of your class have the same catchphrases. Listen, do what you gotta do to survive those teenage years. You can’t help but blend in. However, there’s a place where you can stick out if you follow my tips, tricks, and strategies. It’s called gym class. The sport? Dodgeball. Are you struggling to win the attention of your crush? Are you wondering if your crush even knows your name? Are you struggling to stand out in the sea of middle school clones? You and five other youth have the same exact pair of gym shoes. You and 23 other youth are humming the same songs. You and half of your class have the same catchphrases. Listen, do what you gotta do to survive those teenage years. You can’t help but blend in. However, there’s a place where you can stick out if you follow my tips, tricks, and strategies. It’s called gym class. The sport? Dodgeball.
“But I hate dodgeball.”
Fine, blend in with the masses with your same hairstyle, same phone, and same crush. That’s right. You’re not the only one with an eye on your crush. There’s competition. I say, take that competition to the gym floor and show your crush that you can dominate dodgeball.
“But I suck at dodgeball.”
You sucked. Follow my tips, tricks, and strategies and you’ll have sucked in dodgeball. Past tense. Suck no more. Blend in no more. Once you dominate this sport, the others will sing your praises. These pointers are both for the young men and young ladies. If you’re a boy, the girls want to see that you can protect them if need be. If you’re a girl, the boys want to know that they don’t necessarily need to protect you if need be. Either way, dodgeball domination is a guaranteed way to stand out from the crowd and get your crush to notice you. Without further ado, let’s take you to the next level.
Diego’s Tips for Dodgeball Domination
When you walk into gym class and your gym teacher announces that it’s dodgeball day, you need to cheer as loud as you can to intimidate the others as if this is what you were hoping would happen; as if you have some unfinished business to take care of; as if you intend to injure one of your fellow classmates. Before the game starts, ask the gym teacher to see one of the balls. Pretend you're weighing the ball by lightly tossing it up and down and examining it to determine how hard you need to throw it. Nod your head as if you feel totally confident and then put it down. When you’re split up into teams, speak to your team loud enough that everyone can hear you saying, “Hold the line. Stay with me. If you find yourself alone, sitting on varnished hardwood floors and with the fluorescent lights in your face, do not be troubled; for you are in the Great Gymnasium in the sky, and you're already dead! Brothers… and sisters... what we do in life, echoes in eternity.”
The point is, walk in with every ounce of confidence that you can muster up. Your crush will stop and say, “Who is that? Who is the confident one demanding the attention of everyone else?” It’s you.
Diego’s Tricks for Dodgeball Domination
Having confidence is one thing. Having tricks is everything. When the game starts and the balls are flying and the other youth are running around like a zombie apocalypse, you need to stand out once again. Yes, your speech was inspirational but you’re once again at risk of blending in. Let me tell you a couple of tricks that aren’t just flashy, they will make you stand out.
The Throw ‘em High & Hit ‘em Low
If you have two dodgeballs in your possession, don’t squander this moment. This classic move is not only effective, but it’s also super easy. Your crush won’t be able to help but notice. You take one ball and lob it high for your opponent to catch. It’s such an easy catch that your opponent won’t be able to resist. When your opponent is distracted with the first ball that is still in the air, throw the second ball right at your defenseless foe. Nine out of ten times, they will fall for it and nine of ten times you'll you will impress your peers.
Pro tip: If you're throwing at a boy, don't throw below the belt. If you're throwing at a young lady, don't throw below the neck. If you hit them there and they fall down in pain, holding their crotch or chest, you'll stand there awkwardly wondering if you should go over and console them or stay away knowing you violated them with a dodgeball. My advice is to aim for their faces...or I guess their feet. If you have questionable aim then go ahead and aim for the crotch and chest knowing that you'll never hit them there.
The Old Ball Behind the Back
In order for this to work, you've got to play the game low key until you use this one. It's simple, pick up a ball and hold it behind your back with one hand and stand casually so you don't draw attention to yourself. When a careless player from the opposing team draws near, aim for the face. Some gym teachers have the rule that if a person is hit in the head, they are safe. Aim for the head anyway. Either the player will leave the game with multiple concussions or will give up for fear of getting hit again. Either way, you knocked that person out of the game and it's a win for you.
Pro tip: Once you've done this a couple of times then just start standing around with one arm behind your back whether you have a ball or not to keep your opponents guessing. You’ll start to hear your name being called like, “So&So has a ball behind their back.” If you’re lucky, your crush will say that line.
Accidental Success. Own it.
Did you just catch the ball between your knees but have no clue how? Did you make a perfect throw off the best person’s shoe knowing that you’ll never be able to make that throw again? Did the ball just bounce off of another person and then land in your unoccupied hands? Just own it. As Pee Wee Herman once said, “I meant to do that.”
Diego’s Strategy for Dodgeball Domination
My strategy requires patience but produces a great reputation. Don’t you want to be known consistently as the last one standing? Of course, you do. Imagine this: there’s one person left from your team and it’s you. You understand what that means, don’t you? It means, all eyes on you, including your crush. It doesn’t matter if your crush is already out of the game or on the other team. If you’re the last one standing, you will become the center of attention. Doesn’t that sound glorious? But how do you get to that place, you wonder? It’s very simple. Hide.
Hide in the corner for most of the game and hope you’re not seen. Hide behind a gym mat that is hanging against the back wall. Hide behind lesser team members. Use those human shields all game long. In fact, just sacrifice them.
Congratulations, Your Crush Has probably Heard of You
When you’re the last one standing, congratulations. Now, implement the tricks. Over time, you will be known as the person that is usually one of the last ones standing. Then…
You will win the attention of your crush. Your crush will know your name. You will stand out amongst the clones. You will stand out and it will all begin in gym class. The sport?
Dodgeball.
Please glean from my wisdom,
Diego Manifisto
