How to Accept Cupid's Sucky Aim
The Gurouth
A Diego Manifisto Gem
Have you ever heard the phrase, “I wouldn’t date you if you were the last man on earth?” What if you heard that phrase from every girl in your class except for one girl? And that one girl is the girl that you’ve thought, “I wouldn’t date if her if she was the last girl on earth.” Now you’re faced with three major decisions. And when you’re 13 years old, there seem to be no other options. Don’t worry, I got you covered. Actually, add any number to 13 and this can apply to that age as well (and to both male and female). The three decisions are:
Die single
Wait for a change of heart
Lower your standards
If you choose any of the above, you’re shallow. Just own it. I did. So rather than sell you false hope, I’m going to educate you on how to make the best choice possible by telling you the pros and cons of each decision. By doing so, I will show you how to accept Cupid’s sucky aim.
Die Single
Firstly, why does this carry such a negative connotation? I’ll tell you why. “The MAN.” He wants to hold you back.
This is why I respect Justin Bieber. He tells that one girl that she can go and love herself. I mean, that’s a guy that’s secure in himself. Secure in being alone. He don’t need no woman to make him happy. He has his mom. Wait, that’s what he’s saying right? His mom doesn’t like her so he can’t like her either? Is that how it works in the Bieber home? “Hey mom, I’d like you to meet Selena.” His mom takes one look at her and says, “I don’t like her.” Justin turns to Selena and says, “My momma don’t like you and she likes everyone.” So they break up. Justin returns with Kendell and his mom says the same thing. Again he tells her what his mom thinks. This pattern reoccurs with Miley and Arianna. (All of the girls’ names are just made up to prove my point. If they coincide with reality, it is purely coincidental). One option here is that why have a girlfriend when you have your mom?
Is your girlfriend providing you with housing and food? Does she buy all of your clothes? Do you have to beg her to let your friends sleepover? Do you whine to her to buy you video games and swear that you’ll pay her back and never do and never get in trouble for it either? Does she call you sweetie or my little man? I hope not, because that’s your mom, bro. And that’s gross. But pardon my pontification, I digress.
Listen, if you’re a grown man that needs to vet every girlfriend through your mom, guess what? No one can live up to that standard. Either break up with your mom or die single. If you’re a teenager, please consult with your parents before dating.
Wait for a Change of Heart
Let me just start with this disclaimer. I’m still waiting. That’s the price I paid and the road I chose but I got a good feeling that this year will be different from the rest. I just wanted to share this piece so that you don’t call me a hypocrite. You know like, “look at Diego telling us to wait while he and his beautiful wife and beautiful kids and beautiful life and… and… I HATE YOU… no I don’t but God when is it my turn???” I mean, that was a hypothetical example, of course. I am still desperately… I mean perfectly eligible.
Listen, I’m sure she’ll come around eventually. Hang in there. Wait it out. Here’s my theory. I approach Guadalupe and confess the feelings I have for her. I mean, I tell her EVERYTHING. How I think about her right before I go to sleep, while I’m sleeping, and when I’m awake. I tell her that I sometimes kiss the pillow and pretend it’s her lips. I tell her that I write romantic letters to her every day but don’t have the courage to send them to her. I tell her that I walk past her house every Wednesday and glance in her front window hoping to catch a glimpse of her. I sing pop songs and insert her name like “All my life, I searched for a Guadalupe like you. And I thank God that I finally found Lu-pe.” I build a strong case for my obsession with her. Are you ready for the twist in the plot? She found my profession of love to be creepy and borderline stalker-ish. She said that she would never be with a guy like me and then slammed the door shut in my face.
I was so encouraged by this. She gave me hope. She said she’d never be with a guy like me. That’s great. She never said anything about not being with ME (only those like me; in other words, cheap imitations of the original). There’s hope. 25 years later and that hope is as strong as ever. I mean, she’s married with 5 children and I would never wish for something bad to happen to their marriage. Perhaps she’ll outlive him and I can swoop in when we’re in our late 80s. And when that day happens, you better believe I’m getting on MySpace and shutting up all of the haters.
So when you’re rejected, just remember that it might just be the wrong timing. Maybe you’re being rejected right now but you won’t be 47 years from now. I had a friend that once kept getting rejected by the same girl over and over again until he finally annoyed her into marrying him. That was my best friend. He married Guadalupe. Oh and he stole my songs and sang them to her at their wedding. Her hypocrisy was on full display as she pretended to love the songs.
If waiting is not for you, then move on to the last option.
Lower your standards
Now, this doesn’t apply to me. I do not lower my standards, however, I realized that this is not an option for everyone. If you saw Guadalupe in person you would understand what I meant by me not lowering my standards. There are some women out there who would love to have a chance to go on a date with me. Since I’m waiting for Guadalupe and therefore unavailable, the only thing that they can do is lower their standards. Theoretically, if you found somebody better than me, didn’t he lower his standards? Don’t you see? Almost everybody has to lower their standards at some point.
I know some will be offended by this. Maybe you need to lower your standards on the quality of my musings. I kid. Listen, the reality is, most of you have unrealistic standards, to begin with. You may never find that person that is as good looking as your hottest cousin. Trust me, my cousins know that all too well. So maybe you should stop putting one hundred percent of your focus on outward looks and make sure that you find a person of loyal and great character. Some (like Guadalupe) have both but that’s rare.
Conclusion
Cupid either sucks as a person or his aim sucks. I mean, why are we trusting the fate of our love to a chubby baby/eagle hybrid wrapped in a very loose diaper and armed with a bow and arrow? I couldn’t keep quiet any longer. I had to speak out against it. We have to stop being so romantic about love and understand that the perfect person for us might have been right in front of us this whole time.
Except for me. Guadalupe, I will wait for you.
Glean from my Wisdom,
Diego Manifisto
