How to Overcome Fashion Crimes
The Gurouth
A Diego Manifisto Gem
So Robert was in my office today with a handful of neckties and an unresolved issue in his heart. His face was like a wrung sponge soaking my mahogany desk. I covered the wood with three layers of beach towels as he struggled to form words between sobs. “I’m speaking for career day at my kid’s school and I can’t tell if this tie matches my shirt and pants. I can’t tell if ANY of my ties match ANY of my clothes. I have no confidence in fashion. None. Deliver me, O great Gurouth.”
Okay, I’m paraphrasing. As he poured out his soul, I won the fifth game in a row of Words with Friends on my phone. I then looked up at him, palm out like the powerful crossing guard I used to be, and like the cars I once commanded, his weeping ceased. He struggled to pinpoint the root of the problem but then after some skillful prodding by me, he vomited this story. If only I could put three layers of beach towels on my brain.
Robert learned that he needed glasses back in 7th grade. His mother took him to the optometrist where he tried on some glasses. He resigned himself to this new look and began browsing frames. One pair of plastic brown frames caught his attention. They seemed sturdy and the temple part of the frames contained a spring that allowed them to give way if they were bent backward a bit. If he was going to wear glasses, this was the pair. In haste, he handed the optometrist the pair without carefully examining them. As the doctor grabbed the frame, Robert noticed a small Superman logo on each temple. He wanted to speak up but froze as the frame was taken away for preparation.
Robert went home and thought about the frame. “Maybe the glasses I get won’t have the Superman logos on them,” he reasoned. He did not understand that he would receive that same exact pair of glasses back. To his horror, he picked up his frame and now owned Superman glasses in middle school.
Let me pause here. The Man of Steel is the greatest of all heroes. I don’t care what faulty argument you make, nobody beats Superman. You might think that you can beat him, but at when you have him right where you want him and are ready to deliver that death blow, he whispers the magic word: Martha. You freeze and he rises up and wins. Every time. All day. Superman. Haters can go suck on Kryptonite. Anyway, Robert thought Superman glasses were social suicide in middle school. I know he’s weak-minded but let’s continue.
The logos were small and Robert never mentioned them to his parents or to anybody. He was determined to will them to invisibility. The real test would be if his peers noticed. Unfortunately, he soon learned that all the prayers in the world could not hide the Kryptonian symbol of Hope on his eyewear.
“Are those Superman symbols on your glasses?”
“No.” Robert turned his head, overcome with shame. I’m not sure if the shame was attached to his eyewear or his lame response. Or both. Probably both.
The accuser stared closer and laughed. “Yes, they are! Oh my goodness, you have Superman glasses.”
Robert’s saving grace was that no other kid was around. There was still hope to control the damage and rectify the situation in Robert's mind. He tried prying the logos off but the little metal pins lived up to their branding. If they wouldn't come off, there was only one option left. White out.
Some people called it liquid paper or correction fluid but for Robert, it was called desperation. He did the unspeakable. He painted over the super insignia with white out to disguise his original error. If it works on white paper, it should work on brown glasses, he thought.
After a few days without incident, he assumed his tactic succeeded. Until… Well, you guessed it… Another student noticed. He didn’t mind so much that someone would notice it. He didn’t want it to be obvious what he was covering up.
“Did you try to white out a Superman symbol?”
Busted. That's what the kids used to say.
“I have no fashion sense,” Robert told me in my tear-steamed office.
“No,” I said. “No, you don’t. But here’s some advice in case you ever travel to the past and have to give counsel to the awkward middle school Robert.”
This is the young Robert almost successfully hiding the Superman symbols… Almost. And let’s not even talk about that jacket and hat combo.
When you take a closer look, you can see that this scrawny guy ain’t foolin’ nobody.
Four Ways to Overcome Fashion Crimes
Let’s look at the first confrontation. What should you do when someone points out your fashion crime? Since Robert was a sweaty mess of unresolved pubescent problems, I want to help young people avoid these traumatic no-nos. Here’s how to handle the situation.
Offend Them
Fashion Police Kid: “Are those Superman symbols on your glasses?”
You: “No, they’re your mama’s symbols”
Explanation: In the early 90s, this was a huge insult. If you wanted to contemporize it a bit, you could say, “Probably, because your hot breath is my Kryptonite.” Disclaimer: If you take this route, there’s a good chance that your Superman glasses will be broken within minutes of your comeback. Then again, is that the worse thing?
Own It
Fashion Police Kid: “Are those Superman symbols on your glasses?”
You: “Yeah and they match my underoos.”
Fashion Police Kid: “You wear underoos?” And he laughs hysterically.
You: “Yeah, your mama bought them for me.”
Explanation: Again, the your mama stuff was like kicking them in the underoos. Listen, if you like your glasses, shirt, pants, underoos then wear them unapologetically. Abuse a Bible verse out of context to make yourself feel better. “If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you.” - John 15:18. Why not? People do it all the time on Facebook.
Outsource
Fashion Police Kid: “Are those Superman symbols on your glasses?”
You: Run away as fast as you can. Find a friend with fashion sense. She will probably have you wrap tape around them to look like makeshift repairs on a broken frame.
Explanation: You have to weigh out the options. Do you want to be known as the poor kid that can’t afford a fixed pair or the dork that wears Superman glasses? It’s your choice, but you made need somebody on the outside calling your shots.
Overcompensate
Fashion Police Kid: “Are those Superman symbols on your glasses?”
You: “Hey look at my orange shoes.”
Explanation: Wear something ridiculously loud that you don’t mind being ridiculed for. It will draw the attention away from your glasses and down to those hideous kicks. Think about that picture of Robert. He distracted us with that jacket and cap combo. We knew his glasses were hideous but didn’t notice Superman.
Conclusion
Inspect your outfit before walking into the world with it draped on your body. Robert nodded and got up to leave my office. Before he left, I stoped him and said,
“None of those ties match.”
Glean from my Wisdom,
Diego Manifisto
