How to become a TRUE Chicagoan: Picking Your Baseball Team
Chicagoan Guide
A Diego Manifisto Gem
by Diego Manifisto
Some people say that it’s hard to find a better city than Chicago in the summer. While that may be a biased statement and a case can be made for other cities around the globe, there is no doubt that Chicago is an enjoyable summer destination. One great thing to do in the summer is to catch a baseball game or two. But before you go marching into any ‘ol game with the intention of simply enjoying America’s past time, there are a couple of things you need to know that every good Chicagoan already knows. First, there are two professional baseball teams in town: The Chicago Cubs and the Chicago White Sox. Second, you must pick a side.
There is a heresy that has been created by either Chicago transplants or nominal Chicago sports fans or children; the origin of this heresy is unclear. But the heresy, when a one is asked if one is a Cubs fan or White Sox fan, sounds something like this: “I’m a Chicago fan.” Heresy! Again, I repeat heresy! If anger does not arise in you like the mercury in a mid-July Chicago thermometer, then you are not a keeper of the truth but an enabler of heretical ideologies. You must pledge your windy allegiance to only one team. You must choose a side.
Choosing a Side
I hope you understand that when you’re asked what team you’re a fan of, you can NEVER say, “I’m a Chicago fan.” I hope I’ve made that clear. I’m sorry, this isn’t Boston or St. Louis or Seattle where everybody cheers for the same team. This isn’t Toronto where nobody likes baseball. It doesn’t seem fair but we’ve got to learn to navigate the murky waters of fandom.
If You’re a Native Chicagoan
You might have been born and raised here under the heresy of being “Chicago fan” but it is never too late to repent. If you have not repented then, for shame! You do know that repenting is not simply apologizing but rather changing your ways, don’t you? It’s making a 180-degree turn. Yeah, like making a U-Turn in the middle of Fullerton which I completely recommend if you don’t value your life. So this is going to be really easy. If you live on the Northside, root for the Cubs. It’s the path of least resistance and you’ll blend into the massive sea of blue without being questioned. You don’t even have to know any of the players’ names (trust me). If you live on the Southside, cheer for the White Sox. You don’t want to stir the pot in some parts of the Southside. If you live on the Westside, you’re pretty safe either way but you’ll see way more White Sox stuff than you would on the Northside. If you live on the Eastside, you might be a freshwater mermaid - or merman… MERMAN!
If You’re Not Originally from Chicago
Forgive me if you’re offended by the word transplant, especially because transplants don’t always work out - especially if you say community-rejecting statements like, “I’m a Chicago fan.” So this is going to be really easy. Which things do you like better from the options below?
Option #1:
Teddy bears, beer, brats, and babes
Overcrowded masses of intoxicated celebration
Men sharing a trough to urinate in
Unified singing of a 90s sounding song after every victory that you’ll never ever get out of your head
Option #2:
Having an entire row to yourself so that you can stretch out
Easy exit parking
Tickets that are cheaper than movie tickets
Fireworks show even if your team loses
If you chose Option #1 - the Chicago Cubs are your team. Congratulations! You’re in the majority. Most Chicago fans, whether they know what an RBI is or not, will default and say “I’m a Cubs fan.” And they say something like, “Go Cubbies” in case you were in doubt.
If you chose Option #2 - the Chicago White Sox are your team. Sure, only 10% of the ballpark is filled on any given night but you feel like you’re part of a “woke” remnant. And if you really enjoy a packed ballpark, just wait for the Cubs to play them there.
Quick Rules
Congratulations, you’re now a Chicago ___________ fan. Here are some things you should know about your team to authenticate your fandom.
Cubs
Any time anybody mentions the words White Sox, you must respond with “White Sox suck.” If a mother runs up to you with tears streaming down her face and says, “Somebody help, I lost my child in the crowd. His name is little Bobby and he’s wearing a White Sox cap.” You say, “White Sox suck.” Understand? Good.
Harry Carey is an icon and it is perfectly acceptable to respect his legacy by mocking his poor eyesight with an over-sized pair of his style glasses.
Any time a White Sox fan starts talking junk, just make fun of their poorly attended games.
Never ever reference the name of Sammy Sosa. He no longer exists.
White Sox
Any time anybody mentions the word Cubs, you must respond with “The Cubs suck.” If somebody on televisions says, “And Chicago Cubs just won the World Series.” You say, “The Cubs suck.” Understand? Good.
The White Sox play at Sox Park. You may also call it Comiskey Park. Don’t call it whatever sponsor's name is on it that particular year.
No matter what anybody says, 2005 was not that long ago. Study the stats from that year and be ready to shove it any naysayer’s face at any given time.
When watching games, be sure to use savvy baseball phrases that prove you’re a real fan like, “That’s a can of corn” or say “Gas” very slowly and creepily. When there’s a home run yell, “You can put it on the board. YES!” If your pitcher strikes out the batter arrogantly say, “He gone.” Those are a few to start off with.
As you spend more time in your new community, you’ll learn more rules and become the number one fan in no time.
As always,
Glean from my wisdom,
Diego Manifisto
