What to Do When the Woman You Want is Already Dating Jesus

Finding a Woman that Will Settle for Less

I’ve heard it said that if you want to find a quality woman, you need to look in the church. That’s where you’ll find a woman of virtue, Proverbs 31 incarnate. But you already know this. You’ve already spotted her. Perhaps she sings WayMaker like an angel on stage. Maybe she sits attentively taking notes during the sermon. Her sweet disposition and under-reliance of boys’ attention have you smitten. For months on end, you’ve dreamed of asking her on a date. With Valentine’s Day quickly approaching, you’ve decided to make your move. But what happens when, after you’ve fasted and prayed and built up the courage, you ask her out only to discover that she’s spoken for? 

“I’m not looking for a relationship right now. I’m dating Jesus.”

What does that do to your theology? You seek God with interrogating accusations. “Jesus, you could have any woman in the world. Why her?”

This now becomes a trend. You overhear another woman say the say same thing. 

You feel flushed and plead again. “God, you can have any woman you want. Why did you take two of them?“

However, there is something comforting about knowing that you were only beat out by the Savior of the world. I mean, I would do the same thing if I were in her shoes. However, I don’t think it’s appropriate for men to date Jesus.  Or is it? I’ve never heard a man say that he isn’t pursuing a relationship with anyone because he’s dating Jesus. Honestly, I’ve never heard a man say that he’s not pursuing anyone. 

Well, here’s the good news. Did she say, “I’m married to Jesus?” This is important because here’s the deal: relationships don’t always work out. If you think that sounds like blasphemy, explain what happened with Jen. She, like the singing angel you’ve been eyeballing, rejected my offer to dine her because she was dating Jesus. No more than a month later, she was dating Joshua. Which makes me wonder, who broke up with who?

Can you imagine breaking up with Jesus? What could possibly justify this? “Jesus, you’re perfect - a little too perfect, in fact. I ask for space but you give me omnipresence. You know my counterpoint even before I say it. When you tell me that you’d die for me, you actually mean it. I’m just looking for somebody a little more… tangible. Sure, the new guy is annoying and burps all the time. I can easily ignore my texts when he smothers me daily. He constantly complains that he’s not a mind-reader. I know he says he’d take a bullet for me but he wouldn’t even pick me up from the airport on Super Bowl Sunday. But it feels so good to be in his arms when he fills my head with empty sentiments.”

I don’t mean to single Jen out. She’s not the only one I’ve seen break up with Jesus for a huge downgrade. So I have to wonder why Jesus struggles to keep these relationships? Is he just a placeholder until the women find somebody worse? The more I think about it, the worse I feel for Jesus in this entire situation. He deserves so much better. But the more I think about it, the better I feel about my chances — and so should you. 

The girl you want is currently in a relationship with Jesus but to what end? Is she the chosen one of all time? While that would stink for you, you’d be honored to have met her. But the odds are that her relationship with him will not last. You have to be the one to help her understand this. You need to help her settle for less — settle for you. So what can you offer her that Jesus can’t? Frankly, nothing. But you can distract her into thinking that you have something better to offer. While there are so many things you can offer, I’ll suggest three things.

Offer #1: Feasts

By feasts, I mean tacos. Or sushi. Or pizza. Or whatever she likes to eat. I knew a woman once that had the whole world thinking that she solely consumed protein shakes and kale chips. But when I took her out to Unami Burger, she devoured her meal including every single French fry and every last ounce of truffle ketchup. They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. I would say that the way to a woman’s heart is a winding road with many stops, including the stomach. 

Now, think of the competition. Dinner with Jesus today isn’t what it was in the first century. What started as a great feast that included warm bread and wine has now been reduced to a 1/8 bread chip and a half shot of cheap grape juice. Surely, you can do better than that. Please tell me that you can afford more than that. The place that Jesus will have you beat is in the realm of relationship. What you will not be able to replicate is the deep and everlasting intimate communion with an unconditionally loving God. Other than that, I think it’s safe to say that you have the advantage here.

Offer #2: Riches

You may not be rich. Not a problem. Nobody dates Jesus for his money. And if they do, they find out fairly quickly that he’s not in the business of being somebody’s sugar daddy. It’s actually a rude awakening for those few and you may wonder what brought them to this conclusion. Unfortunately, they see pastors and musicians and singers and influencers that wear their faiths on their designer sleeves. But when these women dump some dude to date the Deliverer of their circumstances, things don’t work out the same way. They pray the Destiny’s Child prayer, “Dear Lord, can you pay my bills? Can you pay my telephone bills? Do you pay my automo' bills? If you did then maybe we could chill. I don't think you do so, you and me are through.”

That’s when you step in.

You can’t offer peace. You can’t offer salvation. And even though you probably won’t pay her bills, you can offer gifts. Lure her with flowers. Lure her with jewelry. Learn from Bruno’s mistakes when he was her man. Also, Jesus will ask her for ten percent. Tell her that’d you buy the world for her if you could. When you hand her a box of candy, remind her that your gifts or sentiment don’t require a tithe from her.

Offer #3: Cuddles

Has Jesus ever hugged you? Chances are, he’s never hugged her either. That’s not to say that he never will but it might be a long wait before she finds herself in the literal embrace of Jesus. And when she does, trust me, it’s too late to ask her out. Maybe you can explain it this way to her: In heaven, you are willing to give her back to Jesus (good luck to her - there are tons of ladies that claim to have dated Jesus). In the meantime, she can have you. 

True Love Should Not Wait

True love waits? Nice try. If you know this secret, you will be successful: You can have true love NOW. If she believes that she can wait for true love with a man, she’ll be waiting forever. The reality is, you don’t have to wait for true love at all. Too many people have subscribed to Twilight Christianity while burning their copies of Harry Potter (which is such a Death Eater thing to do, by the way). 

Twilight builds its premise on the philosophical idea that true love waits. Edward has waited many lifetimes for the perfect love which he finds in Bella. She, on the other hand, won’t be satisfied until Edward if fully hers. The love that they seek requires waiting because love in that universe is something you get from someone when you give it them. Isn’t that what many were taught in youth group? You save love for marriage? If the concept isn’t heretical, it is at best hedonistic and selfish. It implies that love is sex. If love is sex then why shouldn’t everyone experience it all the time? I think we need to redeem the word love. But don’t worry, there’s still hope to date that girl.

Indulge me for a moment and consider Harry Potter. He is dubbed, “The Boy that Lived,” not the “The Boy that Defeated Voldemort.” Why? Because he didn’t defeat Voldemort. The interpretation of the prophecies of the chosen one in the wizarding world are irrelevant to the conversation of love. Harry lived because his mother sacrificed her life for him. Why did she do that? To protect some prophecy? I think not, you silly muggle. She loved him. True love didn’t wait to be reciprocated. Harry, as a baby, could never return the favor. His mother loved with no expectation of receiving it back. We see this theme over and over again in Rowlings writings. So go ahead and burn the books that align closer to 1 John 3:16 than most modern Christian fiction (I wanted to all modern Christian fiction but the odds that there isn’t at least one good book out there is slim).

True Love Now and Forever

When she tells you that she’s dating Jesus, you can ask her, “What’s your man gotta do with me?” But be more original in the way you say it. Say something like this:

“You don’t have to love me for me to love you. You can be married with children and I will love you from afar. You can hire a hitman to strike me down on my way home from driving past your family’s house again and if I survive, I will love you no less. For my love is unconditional.”

Here’s the thing she’s missing. She can have her bread of life and eat it too. She doesn’t have to date Jesus exclusively.  He’ll love her even if she’s dating you because his love is unconditional and available now. We love him because he first loved us; not the other way around. 

Wait, I just thought of this: maybe she’s just using that excuse because she doesn’t want to go out with you personally.

As always, 

Glean from my wisdom,

Diego Manifisto

For more love advice, follow me on Twitter @diegomanifisto